Somehow, in a potentially very sick twist of fate, the kitchen ended up becoming the arena for far more gadgets, strange yet addictively convenient devices, and noisemaking thingamajigs than the bedroom, though arguably some of the items in the standard utensils drawer could easily be transplanted with the right entrepreneurial spirit. Why this seemingly bizarre venue for increasingly ridiculous contraptions has exploded in the past few decades is anyone’s guess, though I might have to stake mine in the vein of aging or jaded wives spending less time in the boudoir and more time compensating for their dissatisfaction with additional trays of brownies and complicated finger foods.
Now, I wouldn’t venture into the kitchen with such scathing words without bringing the heat. Lo:
1. Tater Mitts. Because using a knife, or even a specialized vegetable peeler, just doesn’t have the same appeal as rubbing spuds until they’ve been inexplicably tortured out of every last shred of skin by the merciless nubbins of rubber gloves. I guess these work, however, for cooks who want to deter negative comments about the au gratin come serving time. What do you mean there’s not enough salt?! You eat your potatoes before I rub your nose off!
2. Internal Electric Egg Scrambler. Eggs get a pretty bad rap in the kitchen; there are all sorts of items made to supposedly relieve people of the terrible burden of cutting, peeling, boiling, or in any way considering the things. But last time I checked, swirling the yolk and white together was one of the least intensive or mentally challenging processes performed before noshing on an omelet. This is not, apparently, the case for the creators and fans of the Electric Egg Scrambler, which from its name sounds like it might accomplish the cooking inside the shell. That might be kinda interesting. But no, the device simply pierces the egg with a particularly talented needle, which then whirs around a little like the town drunk and proudly produces a “pre-scrambled” egg fluid. No longer will people have to subject themselves to the misery of moving a fork around for twenty seconds. Can I get an amen?
3. “Pop Art” Toaster Templates. I’m sure it was a heartbreakingly meaningful moment when someone sneezed forth with this brilliant rendition of the modern obsession with personalizing every damn thing (my toast is unique, just like me!), but the appeal is likely to wear off when one realizes they’re insensibly limited to someone else’s idea of good toast brandings, and besides, a cautery pen requires much less counter space.
4. Cookie Scoops. Aside from looking like escapees from the OB-GYN’s office, these charming culinary abuses pretend to have some utility in regards to cookies; that is, they can spare you the unrelenting aggravation of…well, scooping with a spoon. I overheard a baker of some celebrity praising these things for their ability to produce balls of dough with equal amounts to promote even baking, but this makes little sense when one considers that a spoon does the same thing. Only, for less expense, with less fanfare, and without any sort of special “grip” to suggest that you’ve less control over your tools than the average intoxicated seagull.
5. The Aging Parent Surveillance Tea Maker. The creators of this combination tea brewer and total infringement on privacy (now your most common kitchen tasks can be brought together into one!) assure us that since elderly parents are more likely to bitch about being thrown into a nursing home these days, it’s important to compensate with some sort of nifty spy device so you can collect any dead bodies while they’re still fresh. Each time dear old dad or rambling momma make themselves a cuppa tea, this device will transmit related data to a caring if monumentally overbearing child via SMS. It also notes when the tea is being kept warm, so you can have a stern talking-to with the parents over their excessive use of electricity, I guess. Now when they come out with the combination aging parent surveillance tea maker and barking deterrent, I might have another look.
The latest kitchen device to be introduced to my laboratory of sauces, soups, and faildeserts that get eaten anyway because hey! there’s chocolate! is a marble mortar & pestle, which is blessedly not endorsed by anyone on television, doesn’t have any sort of demeaning pump-action, and will never need a warranty of any kind. Here’s to a fad-free dinner.
A Suspicious Surplus of Kitchen Appliances
Somehow, in a potentially very sick twist of fate, the kitchen ended up becoming the arena for far more gadgets, strange yet addictively convenient devices, and noisemaking thingamajigs than the bedroom, though arguably some of the items in the standard utensils drawer could easily be transplanted with the right entrepreneurial spirit. Why this seemingly bizarre venue for increasingly ridiculous contraptions has exploded in the past few decades is anyone’s guess, though I might have to stake mine in the vein of aging or jaded wives spending less time in the boudoir and more time compensating for their dissatisfaction with additional trays of brownies and complicated finger foods.
Now, I wouldn’t venture into the kitchen with such scathing words without bringing the heat. Lo:
1. Tater Mitts. Because using a knife, or even a specialized vegetable peeler, just doesn’t have the same appeal as rubbing spuds until they’ve been inexplicably tortured out of every last shred of skin by the merciless nubbins of rubber gloves. I guess these work, however, for cooks who want to deter negative comments about the au gratin come serving time. What do you mean there’s not enough salt?! You eat your potatoes before I rub your nose off!
2. Internal Electric Egg Scrambler. Eggs get a pretty bad rap in the kitchen; there are all sorts of items made to supposedly relieve people of the terrible burden of cutting, peeling, boiling, or in any way considering the things. But last time I checked, swirling the yolk and white together was one of the least intensive or mentally challenging processes performed before noshing on an omelet. This is not, apparently, the case for the creators and fans of the Electric Egg Scrambler, which from its name sounds like it might accomplish the cooking inside the shell. That might be kinda interesting. But no, the device simply pierces the egg with a particularly talented needle, which then whirs around a little like the town drunk and proudly produces a “pre-scrambled” egg fluid. No longer will people have to subject themselves to the misery of moving a fork around for twenty seconds. Can I get an amen?
3. “Pop Art” Toaster Templates. I’m sure it was a heartbreakingly meaningful moment when someone sneezed forth with this brilliant rendition of the modern obsession with personalizing every damn thing (my toast is unique, just like me!), but the appeal is likely to wear off when one realizes they’re insensibly limited to someone else’s idea of good toast brandings, and besides, a cautery pen requires much less counter space.
4. Cookie Scoops. Aside from looking like escapees from the OB-GYN’s office, these charming culinary abuses pretend to have some utility in regards to cookies; that is, they can spare you the unrelenting aggravation of…well, scooping with a spoon. I overheard a baker of some celebrity praising these things for their ability to produce balls of dough with equal amounts to promote even baking, but this makes little sense when one considers that a spoon does the same thing. Only, for less expense, with less fanfare, and without any sort of special “grip” to suggest that you’ve less control over your tools than the average intoxicated seagull.
5. The Aging Parent Surveillance Tea Maker. The creators of this combination tea brewer and total infringement on privacy (now your most common kitchen tasks can be brought together into one!) assure us that since elderly parents are more likely to bitch about being thrown into a nursing home these days, it’s important to compensate with some sort of nifty spy device so you can collect any dead bodies while they’re still fresh. Each time dear old dad or rambling momma make themselves a cuppa tea, this device will transmit related data to a caring if monumentally overbearing child via SMS. It also notes when the tea is being kept warm, so you can have a stern talking-to with the parents over their excessive use of electricity, I guess. Now when they come out with the combination aging parent surveillance tea maker and barking deterrent, I might have another look.
The latest kitchen device to be introduced to my laboratory of sauces, soups, and faildeserts that get eaten anyway because hey! there’s chocolate! is a marble mortar & pestle, which is blessedly not endorsed by anyone on television, doesn’t have any sort of demeaning pump-action, and will never need a warranty of any kind. Here’s to a fad-free dinner.