Swallow it Down

I grew up being, for the most part, a vegetarian whose diet was never riddled with the sorts of nightmarish foods that children are typically forced to eat. You know, the occasional bit of gizzard or tongue, or the venison burger when dad either went hunting or relieved his vague sense of bare-chested masculinity by ordering something with a rugged name from the “gourmet” section of the in-flight catalogue. Nobody ever fed me a hot dog only to then tell me what was actually in it; all in all it was a fairly trauma-free gastronomic existence. I never even had to eat liver.

Until recently. Far removed from the slaughter-free days of my youth, I now consume a fair amount of meat, and recently added poultry liver to my diet. Now, there are several things that bother me about this particular part of the entrails which might not so offend a kid who’d had the occasional session of suck-it-up-or-starve. For one, it’s enmeshed in this whole “entrails” business, something I’m used to thinking about only when I’m sick. Then there’s the fact that it has “lobes” (why segments seem benign and lobes evil I’ve no clear idea, unfortunately), and is shaped somewhat like an alcoholic grandpa’s flabby chin. But none of these complaints compare to the taste, which is not all that identifiable beyond an immediate and pervasive impression of slightly burnt garbage and rotting garden hedges (or would be, if a garden hedge could rot).

I’ll admit that the bitching is fun, like a last bastion of juvenile resistance to the inevitable. But it’s something I have to swallow down, like the livers, so that I can get past the shrieking of my tongue and stomach as I get much-needed doses of iron. I get a dose of reality, too, upon finally managing to eat a plate of the things without holding my nose or stomping my feet. It’s something I can do, and something that will be done. I’m not sure why all the fanfare seems so necessary at the outset, but I imagine it’s responsible for a lot of stupidity in my own life, and in the lives of others who create the same sort of obstacles for themselves.

Life has a lot of objects, tangible and otherwise, waiting to be swallowed, and in some cases, to be shoved down our throats. Some people don’t seem to have to swallow quite as much quite as fast –but then it’s hard to tell if they’re being served everything through a straw or have simply learned how to get it all down efficiently, talking or posing for the camera between gulps. Sometimes, we declare that we simply can’t swallow something. It’s too big, or too scandalous. We haven’t thought about it enough, and its foreignness makes our throats dry and unaccommodating. But you can’t mash up someone’s death, or your own physical pain, or a tragic event somewhere far away, into a spoonful of jelly and cross your fingers in the hope you’ll miss out on most of the taste. Life will simply pulverise you, and the jelly, well, you’ll probably make yourself.

Often, people seem to attempt swallowing something unpleasant with an inherently faulty approach; they’ll rub their necks to get a pill down, or practice affirmations to accept something emotionally difficult. Just as there are endless ways to create reasons why swallowing won’t work, there are also endless ways to tell yourself you’re trying while the thing itself still sits, lamely, in your mouth.

If you let go of both your resistance and your sense of difficulty, so that there is nothing left, you’ll find that you can swallow just about anything. And if you aim to live, experience, progress, breathe, and go on unfettered, this will be a good thing.

What happens once your parcel reaches the stomach, of course, is an entirely different story.

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In the Kitchen of the Unmentionable Mr. Stewitt (installment three)

(note: this is Installment No. 3 in a series. If you’ve missed earlier installments, you can find them by wandering here for the first, or thither for the second.)

Margaret ran from the kitchen into the parlor, where she found Mr. Stewitt out of his recliner and standing beside the window, looking out at the falling snow with one hand firmly planted on his hip. He didn’t turn around when Margaret came through the French doors of the kitchen. “Mr. Stewitt!” gasped Margaret. “Look! Look what was in your box of Puff Its! These aren’t Puff Its at all!” Margaret reached into her pocket and thrust her hand at Mr. Stewitt, who turned and made a face at the black, ink-stained hand before him.

“Did you get into my stationery drawer, Margaret? I hope you didn’t spill ink all over the ivory stock cards.” Mr. Stewitt was frowning. Margaret was frowning too. There was no fuzz in her hand, no remnant of the recently very annoyed and certainly animated creature she’d put into her pocket. “Your kitchen is –there’s something wrong with it, Mr Stewitt,” announced Margaret. She looked at her toes as she said it, bracing for the string of questions that was bound to follow, if her previous experiences of adults mixed with extraordinary stories was any indication. She’d end up describing everything she’d seen, only to be told to stop fibbing or to behave more like a grown up.

When she had finished telling Mr. Stewitt all about the anomalies she’d seen in the kitchen, Margaret was quite surprised to find a look of complete acceptance on the man’s face. “Well yes, girl. My kitchen is enchanted. In fact, that’s precisely what I was going to tell you a story about –how it came to be enchanted, I mean– were you to ever finish with your cereal. Margaret could barely contain her excitement. Finally, a glimpse of the worlds she’d seen beyond the overt and the terribly boring was being confirmed by someone else –someone older and stronger and wiser than herself. She had the sense that with the possibility of Mr. Stewitt’s enchanted kitchen came millions of other tiny possibilities, carrying all the juice and hue and energy of the rainbow back into the gray landscape described by the chattering of old women and the customs of old men.

“I’ll be right back,” said Margaret, in a forced whisper (for how loud her voice might come were she to let it dictate volume on its own Margaret had no idea, but she was afraid that it might be a little like the uncontrolled throatsong of sobbing). She raced back inside the kitchen’s awkward light, and fetched the blue-ribboned box, the first bowl she saw (this one sporting a mane around its middle, though there was no animal owner identifiable), and a pitcher of milk –unblemished!– from the refrigerator. Just as she was about to kick the doors open to give berth to her breakfast armload, Margaret remembered that she’d need a spoon. She turned and began opening drawers, finding all manner of meticulously-arranged crickets, ducklings, and cinnabar-colored treefrogs inside, until finally coming to a tray festooned with flatware in every style Margaret had ever seen or imagined. She hooked a small baby blue ceramic spoon into her grip with a pinky finger and made her way back out the kitchen’s doors, breathlessly laying the ensemble down on the small table near Mr. Stewitt’s favorite chair.

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What is it with the Wet?

Sometimes masochism is less pleasant than at other times.

Of course, whether it’s really pleasant at all, and how, and whether the pleasure is the experience of the masochism itself or is a separable by-product are all important if somewhat sticky issues, though they’re likely best left for a different post, at some other time, when I’m not quite as focused on

–The Wet–

Think of all the onomatopoeia you’ve ever seen for a sickening sound. Though I might end up making myself a little queasy here, let’s run through a (by no means exhaustive) list, shall we? There’s slurp, and kthuck, sssquik, goosh, flptpt –all of which may seem to be only distantly related until you realize that they’re all wet noises. Wet, like the flapping of dying fish on the floor of a boat. Wet, like a marble being plopped into a bowl of noodle soup.

And it’s not just onomatopoeia. If you explore the landscape of ick for a while, you’ll note that pretty much everything has a liquid element to it. Recently, my dad came across a job listing for a laboratory technician in a “Gross Room” at a hospital. What, pray tell, goes on inside this Gross Room? Let’s keep the details comfortably confined to the mention of various bodily fluids and their potential for being scooped onto slides, sucked into pipettes, and shown a good time on the centrifuge ride.

Nothing gross is ever dry. Nobody is turned off from their dinner by the thought of sand, or a towel, or an office chair (unless of course something has been spilled on it). So while I hate to linger on the nostril-quivering question of why gross stuff is gross, I must request that someone explain why it’s always about the wet.

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What's the Big Idea?

Adbusters has an interesting article in its latest issue (which is, if you’re not familiar with the mag, not too dissimilar from the topics of all the other issues, namely, damn the man, fight the power, and whatever the anti-establishment slogan du jour may happen to be). For a while, it seems as though author Astra Taylor is simply guiding us up a precarious crag of name-dropping counter-cultural thinkers of the moment, culminating in a series of not-so-subtle plugs for her documentary film. Persistence pays off, however, and a full read yields a thoughtful concept about big ideas that may well serve as a macrocosmic lesson for playing around with any of life’s many rubix cubes.

Waiting for a silver bullet in the form of the “next big idea,” says Taylor, foolishly denies the natural course of philosophy (which tends to circle certain concepts over long periods of time, becoming increasingly refined, rather than flipping through ideas as though they were television channels). Moreover, looking for this big idea in the same way that we look for the next fashion trend or blockbuster movie reinforces a particular flavor of mental obedience to a working society that many people, despite (or perhaps because of) their compliance, fear. People seem to consume new ideas the same way they consume tech gadgets; whether it’s a bizarre direction in attempts to “save the environment” or a campaign to end poverty, a shiny and new idea is prone to attracting more enthusiasm and attention than even the most worthy of extant ideas, collecting dust in 101 university courses or lurking underneath the surface of fables that are no longer given a second thought.

Taylor’s discussion warrants enthusiasm and attention itself, though it fails to deliver a mechanism by which those who wish to escape the commercialization of thought can visualize the divide between ideas that are potentially important and those which simply hope to create an atmosphere of importance. As with many things, the nature of an idea can be most deeply understood by looking at its definition. If you’re so brave as to check out the colloquially accepted definition of an idea in a major dictionary, you won’t find an honest approach towards the conceptual meaning until you hit the tertiary entry, and even then, you’ll only get a list of synonyms. Arriving at the idea behind the idea is a challenge, though I’ve been fortunate enough gain a perspective on ideas with the help of my Master, who exhibits a considerable talent for defining even the simplest of things (which are often the hardest to really grasp).

So what is an idea? If we have something we want to accomplish, and a situation in which we will consider and work towards this accomplishment, an idea is comprised of a defined set of means, and a plan for using these. Getting to the other side of a valley by constructing a makeshift bridge from felled trees is a kind of idea; using the tools on hand and one’s own time, the idea may accomplish the transport of a person across the previously impassable abyss. Often concepts pushed as “innovative” or “big” new ideas and spoon-fed to consumers revolve around mere impressions of ideas, marketing the feeling of new and exciting thought without actually delivering anything of value. Sometimes, these “ideas” rely on emotional bargaining with potential receptors, suggesting that some of the world’s most pressing issues can be solved if only people buy a product, add their signature, or tell a friend. Focusing on the enormity and knee-jerk power of the problem itself, marketers may make even the worst attempts at powerful ideas seem worthwhile.

It’s not just on the global stage that reliance on the impression of ideas hampers efforts to create real ones (and, hopefully, better lives). On a personal scale, I suspect that many people fail to take control of the things that matter to them or over which they’re concerned because they’re waiting to be served with “the next big idea” –the culmination of motivation, absence of conflicts elsewhere in life, a product, and perhaps a celebrity endorsement that come together to make a certain feeling of receptivity and excitement click. How many people do you know who have had the “idea” that they’ll lose weight thanks to a diet book or exercise machine, how many people imagine they’ll become better somehow through the “ideas” of someone with a web page and an email newsletter? And how often are these “ideas” sprinkled with promises of novelty and innovation?

Worthwhile ideas, like the definition of the word itself, are often simple, usually accessible, and always free. Whether they’re found in explorations of life and human consciousness thousands of years old, or formed quietly on one’s own as experience influences and helps to shape that consciousness, they don’t have to be a certain size, nor a certain age, to bear the potential for incredible things. Taylor’s piece reminds us not to limit ourselves by treating ideas like products on a shelf; hopefully we will learn to understand what they really are, as well.

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The Department of Redundancy Department

Though internet marketing is a field that seems to have a penchant for making my blood boil, I’ve somehow had the bad luck to encounter it on an intimate basis from time to time. From my escapades in trying to drive towards the meaning of the underscored, highlighted, bold and italicized, needlessly capitalized and quoted, often flashing text of these master “marketers,” I’ve noticed one heinous trend in particular, a trend that I’ve also seen in generous supply while sampling today’s crop of blogging tips, rules, and other ephemera vying for authority.

Sometimes redundancy can be funny. You know the old joke,

“Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out and who was left?” “Repeat.” “Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out and who was left?”

All it really takes, however, is a third or fourth turn of this to make most people break out the stfu flag (preferably with one end sharpened). In some disciplines, such as running different types of electronic equipment, redundancy can be a good thing; having a backup might be boring, but it’ll prevent plenty of worst-case scenarios should disaster strike. But for the most part, redundancy is a scourge, more grating than a marching band at four am, more annoying than a chain letter from a well-meaning relative, and altogether less palatable than anything in a Chinatown grocery mart.

What gets me frothy whenever I encounter an internet marketing pitch or personality is the particular brand of seemingly clueless redundancy that sprouts with every incredible offer, exclusive preview and must-see secret. Basically, these are people trying to make money off of telling other people how to try and make money off of telling other people how to try and make money –in a spiral that everyone hopes will end with some poor sucker with a credit card and no better way to spend his cash than to purchase the grammatically flatulent waste products of this circular digestion of time.

The same attention to masturbatory technique is present in the realm of blogging, though I suppose a blog is, to many people, little more than a tool for furthering this internet marketing nonsense. Checking out various tips and ideas for new blogs (in terms of what sorts of features are available and how they work, rather than how to dupe more people into reading content that bores them or stuff as many ads along the sidelines as possible), I found that most people with prominent voices on the topic wanted to push their status as a pro specializing in teaching other people how to be pros by claiming that they’re pros, able to help their readers become pros. I realize that being the middleman has long been looked upon as a cushy position, one that has the potential to bring in a lot of cash without doing much other than raising a surly eyebrow now and then. But you can’t just buy an e-book or subscribe to a newsletter and suddenly find yourself making a butt-print in a middleman’s chair. You can’t just “work hard” and sit there, either.

Imagine if instead of working as waiters, Hollywood hopefuls all set up their own consultancy firms on how to be a big Hollywood star (by teaching others how to be a star, of course). The city is overcrowded and congested with real estate as it is, but picture the place peppered with countless thousands of office cubes all hawking the same redundant product, doing nothing other than spawning more cubes. The structure is somewhat like the formation of cancer in the human body, but at least cancer will do its best to kill you. Online redundancy doesn’t want to kill anybody. It just wants to drag out the anguish in perpetuity.

Here’s to hoping someone, or something, finds the signal that will tell the redundancy cells of the internet that it’s time to stop reproducing.

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A Failed Audition

I’ve been to a few different auditions; some met with slight disappointment, others met with what I’d measure for myself as success, but only one in active memory that was a total and utter failure. My high school put on a musical when I was but a freshman, and very impressed with my own ability to big-word and brown-nose adults into paying me all sorts of compliments and assertions about my potential for success at pretty much anything (well, maybe not math). Naturally, then, I should have gotten a spot in the show –not anything big. The big parts always went to people who had been in the program for three or four years, or who were actually superbly talented, and all I really had was my bullshitter and a couple of questionable acting classes from a local theatre company.

The reading segment went alright, but when it came time to try out with singing, I absolutely choked. Strange noises bubbled out of my throat, and though I finished the thing until it came to its shuddering, straining halt (at which point I’d wager several million dust mites and possibly also the pianist thanked their respective deities), I knew instantly that there’d be no billing for me. I ended up snagging a spot in the playbill anyway by operating some of the stage mechanics. For weeks I spent hours after school hidden in the woodwork reading Ram Dass’ Be Here Now and fantasizing about a skinny blond kid who asked me embarrassing questions in phys ed, punctuated by sliding back a door panel. It was fairly boring, and the cast party sucked anyway.

Recently, I failed my second audition, and whether it was more or less mortifying than my first is difficult to discern. On one hand, there weren’t any haughty sophomores around –in fact, I was quite comfortably in the absence of anything resembling the horror of high school. On the other, I lost my part to a washing machine. Well, sorta. A fellow I know is making a computer game, and after talking about it a bit I suggested that I’d be great voice talent for characters and effects (yes, I have features other than the aforementioned horrible crooning). “Let’s hear ‘em.” “Oh.” Suddenly it was time to make a pitch, but I didn’t really have anything to pitch with –just a few funny inflections sometimes used to portray local politicians or the breathy stylings of women on the other end of 900 number lines. We established that what I’d delivered wasn’t really a pitch at all, which is about when this fellow remarked that it was odd the neighbors would be vacuuming at eight o’ clock at night on New Year’s Eve. “That’s my washing machine,” I said, referring to the unit down the hall in my bathroom, which had just changed steps in its cycle and was emitting a pleasant whir.

It was suggested, then, that the machine should be given the part, what with its ability to mimic vacuum cleaners and throw its voice into other rooms. So was it mortifying after all? Not especially, thanks to the death of all that teenage pretense and self-satisfaction. And I can make another, more prepared attempt at voicing characters later on. But when that washer gargles up the soap I feed it and starts singing under the stream of its own little sudsy shower, I can’t guarantee I won’t be just a little envious of its newfound celebrity.

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Welcome to Custard's New Character Mart

We have characters by the baker’s dozen, by the bin, by the big fat vat, characters in green, characters who know what puce is, characters that make coffee and some that aren’t bigger than a coffee bean. Why, just take a whiff of these freshly-whisked things with names, former occupations, and assorted dreams:

* Verdoux. I know what you’re thinking. That’s a made-up name and no mother, no matter how French (or Tennessean with big ideas about putting on French airs), would dare give her kid such a moniker. But Verdoux has always thought that people ought to be able to name themselves. He liked the silent “x” and the visions of corduroy suits and vetiver that would come to mind when he pronounced the name in his head, his tongue perking a little on either side as it lay, sluggish, in his mouth. Verdoux used to work at a little stand selling soft-serve swirls of chocolate, vanilla, or combination ice-cream cones to children and their tagalongs otherwise known as parents.

But one day the machine stopped working and spewed faintly brown, lukewarm water all over the stand, and Verdoux’s boss got mad and told everyone to get out. With a little help from a resume builder, Verdoux landed a job as a hot air balloon operator, which he admits to those who ask is a much more exciting position after all. His hot ambition is to hold a submarine sandwich competition mid-air with a fleet of balloons and delicatessen workers.

*Sandine. If she could move of her own accord, Sandine might like to visit Jordan and count all of the shades of red in sandstone, but for now, she’s got no plans other than to hang around and suck in the salt. That’s because Sandine is a scallop shell, long since separated from her other half, with the scallop itself flown –or flung, as the case may have been– from the proverbial nest. A little brassy, a little briny, and always on the lookout for a second chance at love, Sandine has a lot of ideas for television drama pilots and romantic comedy scripts.

She can’t write them down, though, principally because she has no opposable thumbs, much less hands or arms for that matter. All she really has is centuries, millenia, the sun, the salt, and the sea. One day, however, if she’s a very lucky scallop shell, the sea itself will carry her to a place where she can finally do more than dawdle on the beach.

*Crispy. Cactus rancher. Crispy’s had just about every sort of sticker, thorn, and bramble end up in his socks, and each one carries with it a story, and if you’re unlucky, a song, which may or may not come with a camp fire and marshmallows of questionable composition. About as thin as a potato chip and usually as greasy, Crispy likes to talk a lot, which tends to bother anyone nearby who hasn’t learned to bring out their ear muffs and make a polite statement about the cold whenever Crispy’s around.

Some say an accidental harvest of peyote buttons in place of the prickly pear fruit Crispy used in his salads is to blame for his strange demeanor, others insist Crispy’s particular flavor of crazy is as home-baked as anything. Considered least likely to gain a public office by many of his neighbors, Crispy nevertheless finds himself rising through the ranks of New Mexican politics, creating plenty of scandals and unlikely successes along the way.

*The Fabric of Space. It lives –well, maybe. Possibly it doesn’t live, but houses many other things which do live. It doesn’t eat or breathe or sleep –well, probably. It exists, to be sure, and while that might seem boring on the first pass, all it takes is the realization that there’s absolutely nothing you can ever do about it to render The Fabric of Space worthy of a good story of four, which may or may not turn out to be more interesting than watching paint dry.

See someone you like? Bid your support and you could win your very own bedtime story.

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What Does “Living Mindfully” Mean?

Just about every religion and philosophy on offer on the great and messy platter of self-improvement, personal development, and other fields with names that seem totally lame until you hit your late twenties when they’re suddenly ambitious, has something to say about living mindfully. For some disciplines, the concept of living mindfully is fairly elaborate, involving rituals such as meditation, sticking little trinkets onto your bathroom mirror, and giving people compliments that you don’t really mean –or particularly understand. Others are more relaxed, suggesting that simply adopting certain perspectives or supporting certain arguments will bestow this mysterious invisible robe upon a person, a robe which many seem to think is actually quite visible, and which quite entitles them to any number of perks, including feeling morally superior to anyone outside the secret robe club.

Often, living mindfully is used interchangeably with conscientiousness, which is itself frequently misunderstood as being a kind of positive caring and compassion for others, and especially for baby seals, baby Jesus, baby feelings, and other small things. How the mind became so confused with the abstract notion of emotions, I’m not exactly sure. But I’m positive that feeling empathetic towards an injured person, or feeling guilty about having more money than someone else and so making a donation, is not at the heart of living mindfully. After all, if cutting a yearly check for twenty bucks or patting a dog on the head was enough to really take on the challenge of living mindfully, it wouldn’t be a challenge, nor would humanity hold it as a kind of grail in spiritual and mental evolution.

That brings up an important facet in the exploration of living mindfully –does spirituality really have anything to do with it? While insisting that those who wish to be mindful subscribe to any sort of religious ideals or practices seems an overt mistake, I suspect that spirituality may be a convenient vehicle for living mindfully for some people. By accepting a docile ego-state in which some higher power is worshiped, respected, called upon, or otherwise placed above the self, people may naturally pay less attention to the comings and goings of the superficial world. Pain may matter less; emotions may be subdued; focus may be improved; choices may be more in tune with real reason and desire than reaction. All of these conditions may be especially helpful in achieving a state of mindfulness; those who reach this state through spiritual means may not be quite as aware of the process, however, and not quite as ready to take advantage of the power of living mindfully.

Is living mindfully simply a state, then? I don’t think so. Rather, I think it necessitates a fair deal of positive, conscious action, and I also think it’s in this need for action that many people (myself included) fall short of achieving the objective. One of my most frequently apparent faults is a failure to remember things. It’s not the sort of forgetfulness that results in locking the keys in the car or misplacing someone’s name (okay, I do these too from time to time, but I’m not especially worried about them). Instead, it entails forgetting the essence of arguments, the meanings of conversations; lessons, ideas, explanations. Things that are meaningful beyond a one-time usage. And yet, I tend to use many such things only once, because on being prompted to retrieve them, I find they’re gone. Why?

Because I don’t live mindfully. Making a concerted effort to understand things, and to use that understanding in meaningful ways, is a big part of this concept. Though it might seem bizarre or unexpected on the surface, it’s pretty rational after all that living mindfully revolves around, well, thinking. Not worrying over what you’ll do with information, or how to gain an immediate advantage; not how to nod and smile politely without absorbing anything or offering counter-arguments to show how adept you are with the topic at hand. Actual thinking, consideration, contrast, application –these are the things that make living mindfully attractive, because when someone incorporates these basic yet unpopular and often unexamined tasks into the regular course of their life, some incredible things can happen.

Imagine if all the lessons you’d ever learned were just as freshly fascinating, and you could recall the precise circumstances and examples that made your initial understanding feel so secure. Imagine if learning a single concept or idea could unlock gates in countless disciplines and accelerate your progress wherever you applied your time. It sounds like a pitch for yet another miracle pill, or must-read book, or seminar delivered by someone you’ve never heard of but who is apparently endorsed by other people with similarly suspicious authority. It’ll never be delivered through such means, however. Living mindfully, much to the chagrin of several industries specializing in ambiguous wording and pastel-colored products, is among the ranks of those things that money cannot buy. Luckily, or perhaps, depending on your perspective, unfortunately, all you have to do is think.

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Five Single-Note Scents from My Nose to Yours

The sense of smell is underrated. It’s all too often noticed only when something is particularly wonderful, or when something is particularly unpleasant. Walking past a wet rose bush, someone might pick up the slutty exchange of powder and citrus and rock sugar, and exclaim that it’s fantastic. It is, but there are far more things that warrant a stopping and a smelling than this old brunt of cliches. Noses can be clouded by too much perfume, by roiling plumes of incense, by the indistinct olfactory flotsam of cities. They can also be great guides to finding new things to try, places to go, and things to think about –such as whether “olfactory” is a really stupid term, or a really cool one after all.

Here are five single-note scents that can transport me to romantic retardetry better than any rose bush:

1. Nutmeg. If you cut through a whole nutmeg you’ll see a pattern of light and dark wavy stripes in shades of brown, the sort of design I imagine most latte artists are really after. That contrast is translated to the spice’s scent as well; an endlessly creamy, earth-toned base is layered with sweet honey and spiked with a piercing bitterness that somehow manages to keep the same tone all the way to the top. The spice cabinet’s cool, coordinated sophisticate.

2. Gasoline. Like an oil slick on asphalt, gasoline has plenty going on inside its crisp, defined edges. A little sour, but not too much; a little astringency, a little sweetness, a dash of the earth itself, and a powerful backing that brings it all to the brain in a bright, immaculate package. I’m not exactly hanging around the petrol station, but the occasional whiff of gasoline does something funny to the edges of my mouth.

3. Carrots. This one’s a bit of a cheat, in that there are multiple scents-within-a-scent that the carrot plant can deliver. There’s a mild, fresh, grounded carrot scent that comes from cutting into a new root. Then there’s the precious oil obtained from its seeds, which cut out some of the sweetness and smooth everything back over with a nutty broadness you can almost feel in the back of your throat. The flowers –called “bride’s shame” where I live because of their central black blotch amidst scores of tiny white petals– bring back all the sugar on soft, fluffy clouds with a green and geometric heart.

4. Lemon Pledge. I hate to tout the smell of a household cleaner. Who knows what the stuff might be doing to poor unsuspecting housewives’ chromosomes, not to mention their enzymes and vesicles and capillaries. I have no idea what’s actually in Lemon Pledge, and I haven’t been around it in over a decade, but I can still remember the tingling inside my cheeks from when my Mother would “dust” with the stuff and the inescapable vibrancy of huge lemons rolled in sugar and set on fire would fill the air. I imagine this is what lemons would smell like if you got them to love you and then corrupted their souls ’till they were black and caramelized.

5. “Slept-in” hair. The tousled look was in for a while, and I’m at least partially sure that the smell of hair that’s enjoyed a long morning stint on the pillows without being put through the rigors of fresh soap and whatever other sudsmakers was behind it all. The sebum oil naturally produced by the skin and the scalp is not too dissimilar in composition to the oil produced by macadamia nuts, and while I’m not proposing anyone’s head be dipped in chocolate (yet), I can appreciate the gentle woodsy base of slightly unwashed hair, knit here and there with ever-so-faint memories of thyme, or fleece, or pepper.

Rest assured that should I ever construct a scent parlor, with shelves upon shelves of clear glass jars labeled in some arcane font, with one of those ladders on casters necessary for mad science laboratories and libraries of repute, these five will be found somewhere in there. How exactly to obtain No. 5 is still in question, however….

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In the Kitchen of the Unmentionable Mr. Stewitt (installment two)

Her fingers seemed to curl a little back towards her in protest as she willed her hand to rest upon the cabinet door again. Several seconds later, no snakes had wound their way out and snapped her hand off at the wrist, so Margaret felt slightly (if only ever so slightly) more confident about actually opening the thing. She caught a good chunk of skin between her teeth in anticipation, and opened the door almost as quickly as she stepped backwards. She hit her hip against the rough edge of Mr. Stewitt’s oak table top, but was much more interested in the contents of the cabinet. Inside sat six perfect cereal bowls, with no trace of any sort of slithering or snakely sleeping. Margaret blew a little towards the bowls, comforting herself with the idea that if the snakes were somehow still there, a puff of air would certainly make them visible again. But the bowls sat unmolested.

Tentatively, Margaret picked up a bowl and set it on the table beside her. It was red with long, lazy yellow stripes, and certainly one of the most vibrant bowls that Margaret had ever seen. In her own house, her mother kept a collection of china with special cereal-service that included, in Margaret’s opinion, entirely too much white and an inexcusable overabundance of little tea rose motifs. At first Margaret wondered where Mr. Stewitt kept his cereal, but then she remembered that he had only instructed her to bring a bowl. Slightly exasperated but eager to tell the man about the coral snakes and lemurs she was sure were either taking up residence in his kitchen or in her head, she carried the bowl out of the kitchen and into the parlor where Mr. Stewitt sat obstinately reading a foreign paper about cheese and the relative happiness of various types and occupations of cows.

“Here it is,” announced Margaret, offering the bowl to Mr. Stewitt’s general direction. “What took you so long then?” Mr. Stewitt asked, “I’ve already gotten through Cheese Wheels of the Rich and Famous and Daisy the Dairy Cow Dishes on Milking and Motherhood!” Margaret would have liked to answer, telling the man all about the snakes she’d discovered in his cabinet, but her breath was stolen by the unexplained sight before her eyes: in her hands was a bowl not red with yellow stripes, but white, and dotted with a familiar and boring parade of dusty pink tea roses. “Well?” grunted Mr. Stewitt.

“Um,” said Margaret. And that was all that would come out. “And you didn’t get the cereal either, I see. Listen, if you’re hungry, you’ll have to bring the actual food, along with the bowl, Margaret. Go find it, and don’t take so long again this time! My stories are drying up like Daisy’s mid-life teats.”

In a bit of a daze, Margaret released the boring bowl into Mr. Stewitt’s grip and turned on her heels to return to the kitchen. Either there was something especially odd about this kitchen, Margaret thought, or else she was quite prepared to make sure she ate enough sugars and carbohydrates in the morning from now on. Moving through the dark French doors, Margaret looked around the room recently inhabited by very live creatures that weren’t often on provincial menus.

She knew the pantry was all the way down the room, on the right, making a little corner, but she let her eyes survey the room once more just in case the pantry would have liked to change its mind and come slightly closer. Margaret lingered for a few seconds on the UFO-shaped bakelite chandelier, its chartreuse and cobalt blue bulbs casting a peculiar hue on the nothingness beneath it. The pantry didn’t move. Margaret took a step. Then another, listening for strange sounds and watching the edges of everything to ensure that nothing zoological could sneak its way into her personal space.

Finally reaching the pantry doors, Margaret decided that it was perfectly normal for pantries to contain nothing but cooking ingredients and breakfast cereals, and that expecting anything else was a discredit to the hard-working pantries of her comfortable youth.

Expecting to find a row of various breakfast staples, Margaret was somehow almost horrified to open up the pantry doors and find exactly that. No strange movements, no sleeping creepy-crawlies, and, somehow, nothing that seemed to have the capacity to bite back was located inside. Relief eventually found its way to Margaret’s countenance, and she selected the box with the light blue ribbon on its side –indicating that it held her favorite puffed corn cereal. It was when she picked up the box and heard a distinct harrumph! and a rather annoyed-sounding “excuse me” that Margaret suspected her trip to fetch the cereal would not be as easy and free of incident as she had hoped.

The box read “Puff-Its” and had a clear picture of tame-looking, yellowish kernels on its front. The box had been opened, the little tabs keeping the top secure moving slightly in Margaret’s trembling hands. She flipped open the box, and peered inside. There was not any sort of plastic lining, but instead, a tiny framed reproduction of Guernica was hung on one side, while the bottom was lined in a somewhat distasteful shag carpeting. Other fixtures –small lamps attached to either side of the box’s interior, a little bed with crocheted bedspread, and even, Margaret noticed with redoubled amazement, a miniature toilet tucked behind a painted silk screen. The furnishings were certainly strange, but were no match for the family of fuzzballs –for that was all that Margaret could think to call them– who apparently lived inside the box.

With large white eyes set into their black roundness, the fuzzballs looked not too dissimilar to mistakes crossed out several times in anger on a term paper or perhaps the results of some strange kind of fruit left out in the sun for far too long. They looked at Margaret without curiosity. “Do you mind?” asked the fuzzball reclining on the tiny bed. Margaret had no idea what she had interrupted, but was suddenly worried that without some way of proving she’d seen these creatures, they’d fade away, just like the lemurs and snakes she had found before. Gingerly, then, Margaret reached into the box and picked up one of the fuzzballs, placing it into her pocket while she ignored the muffled grunts of protest emitting from the animal. If it was an animal at all, which Margaret was beginning very much to doubt.

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